Entertainment Purposes Only (Seriously)
Depending on the time of day, the question ‘who was the worst human being who ever lived?’ will elicit different responses. Ask any time before 12 or after 2 and you’ll probably hear ‘Hitler’. Ask any time around afternoon break and you’ll definitely hear ‘whoever stole my lunch!’
Yes, it’s a sad fact of office life that – wherever you work – you’ll encounter people willing to go all Occupy on your lunch. No matter how many notes you write, how many emails you send, how often you give Steve from accounts that glare as he waddles his way toward the break room; come two o’clock, your Bolognese will be missing. So, what do you do? Here, we give you a few tips guaranteed to stop any would-be culprits.
Know what 99% of us would never drink out of? A medical container, no matter how delicious the produce it contained. Invest in a full set of kidney dishes, glass beakers and anything faintly-surgical looking, cover each in plastic wrap and watch your problems magically melt away. As a bonus, think about labelling things with notes such as ‘specimen one’ or ‘stool sample’ or ‘contaminated’. As an extra bonus, consider bringing a real stool sample in every once in a while if the problem persists. OK, so you’ll get a bit of a reputation, but what’s more important to you: the respect of your peers or your lard and bacon sandwich? We both know it’s the sandwich.
Aside from being greedy, your co-workers are very probably squeamish. We’ve all had that awful week when a magically non-eaten sandwich gets abandoned to its squishy fate on the bottom shelf and no-one quite dares touch it. Well, now every week can be that week! Thanks to these anti-theft lunch bags, you can scare people off touching your seemingly-mould-encrusted sandwiches.
Most people nick lunch because it’s there and looks delicious. Few are professional thieves looking for a challenge – so why not give them one? If setting up a Saigon-style checkpoint circa 1969 isn’t on the cards (and it probably isn’t), just do whatever you can to make your lunch that bit harder to break into than Karen’s. Sharp bits always work, as do complicated locks and electricity. Also, fire. But, realistically, perhaps just get hold of a combination lock box – ideally ex-military and very imposing. If you find yourself one day entering the lunchroom to find someone’s forced it, you have society’s permission to move onto the next step.
Now you’re talking. Tormented by a persistent lunch-thief? Want to combine revenge with afternoon entertainment? Lace a bit of delicious looking anything with gut-destroying levels of laxative, park it out in the open with a polite ‘do not touch’ note next to it and wait for the fun to begin. Depending on the level of lunch-thievery, you’ll either get to spend the next two days gloating over Steve’s empty desk, or experience the sight of half your co-workers sprinting for the lavatory like… well, a bunch of people who’ve just consumed a half bottle of laxative. The only problem may come if you accidentally dose the CEO of the company during a surprise visit; or if somehow – against all the odds – the lunch-thieving still continues. Then you’ve only one option left:
Yes, it’s expensive. Yes, it’s drastic. But just think about it: not only will you finally nail the culprit (they’re the one spread across the entire lunch room), none of your fellow inmates will ever dare mess with your lunch. Rep is an important thing to have in prison. You’ll be guaranteed bottom-bunk rights.
About the Author: No-one messes with Matthew’s lunch because he has too much Rep. Matthew writes for Legalweekjobs, mainly focusing on helping paralegal jobseekers find employment at places where they won’t need to watch their lunch’s back.