Saturday, August 30, 2014


How Presidential Candidates Will Use Their Spare Time Now The Elections Over

How Presidential Candidates Will Use Their Spare Time Now The Elections Over


It’s safe to come out now. The United States Presidential Election is over. We can watch news stories about other places in the world again. Americans can breathe easy knowing that women can still have abortions, the progress made in gay rights is not going to be rolled back to the Middle Ages, and nobody is going to nuke Iran (although drone strikes are going to continue to rain down pretty much everywhere).

This means that all the contenders for the throne (America has a throne, right?) now have a lot of free time on their hands. Fortunately, they each have their own fascinating and absorbing hobbies to keep them occupied.

Newt Gingrich – Writes Historical Novels

presidential candidates election How Presidential Candidates Will Use Their Spare Time Now The Elections Over
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Sadly Newt will not continue to campaign for a moon base. Instead he is returning to his first love, the written word. Yes, Newt Gingrich has joined the honourable ranks of novelist-politicians, alongside the greats of Jeffrey Archer and Saddam Hussein.

Newt Gingrich’s novels fall mostly into the historical genre, with a few entries in the “alternate history” genre. He’s not the only one either, his wife also writers her own children’s books!

Rick Santorum – Bowls

presidential candidates election1 How Presidential Candidates Will Use Their Spare Time Now The Elections Over
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Rick Santorum whose name is synonymous with good old fashioned Christian values is bound to return to his favourite hobby. It’s a pastime that’s perfectly suited to a red-blooded, heterosexual male like Santorum.

You can tell he’s a red-blooded heterosexual male, because he absolutely insists that boys shouldn’t bowl with a pink ball.

Herman Cain- Sings Gospel

presidential candidates election2 How Presidential Candidates Will Use Their Spare Time Now The Elections Over
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Yes, when he’s not running for president, selling pizza or quoting pokemon, Herman Cain likes to exercise his vocal chords with a bit of gospel music, and even had his own album in the 90s. Reviewers have said that “I had no idea that he had so smooth and lovely a voice” and that it has “Beautiful voice, beautiful message, and beautiful spirit”.

Having listened to a few of his songs myself here I can confirm that the album has a broadly pro-Jesus, pro-God stance, that makes it surprising he didn’t go further in the contest. Although admittedly there could be a lot more to the album than that- I only got two minutes into the first five minute song before I had to stop listening.

Mitt Romney – Is Put Back in His Box

presidential candidates election3 How Presidential Candidates Will Use Their Spare Time Now The Elections Over
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During his campaign Mitt Romney has simulated having many hobbies and interests. He has been seen water-skiing. He has said that his favourite book is Scientology Founder L. Ron Hubbard’s science fiction novel, Battlefield Earth, and of course his wife’s hose was an Olympic contender in dressage.

Of course, all of these hobbies were actually fictions designed to make him more appealing to voters. Mitt Romney is actually a robot who will now be disassembled into his component parts and put into storage.

Barack Obama – Nerd

presidential candidates election4 How Presidential Candidates Will Use Their Spare Time Now The Elections Over
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Barack Obama was a historic candidate not because he was the first black president. He was also the United States first nerd president. The sort of guy who not only uses his power as President of the United States to bring Nichelle Nichols, the actress who played Lt. Uhura to come and geek out, but who also knows how to do a Vulcan salute.

We’re talking about someone who’s given serious thought to what his superpower would be. Saying “It’s kind of a weird superpower, but if I had something that I could immediately wish for, I would love to be able to speak any language.” (We’re sure he knows this is actually the superpower of the X-Men member, Cypher) but he also added “But if it’s like an ‘Avengers’ superpower, then I think the whole flying thing is pretty good. You can’t beat just kinda swooping around. That looks like it’d be fun.” He’s also joked about accusations he was born in Kenya by saying that he actually hails from Krypton. He’s an admitted fan of Spider-Man and Conan the Barbarian comics. Who knows what other geeky hobbies he has tucked away?

We have absolutely no doubt that there is a bunker in the Pentagon looking to give the President his very own combined universal-translator-and-jetpack-Iron-Man-suit.

Sam Wright is a freelance writer who is frankly relieved that the elections are over. He’s pretty sure that Ron Paul spends his spare time reading books on Libertarian politics.

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